Before You Get Married

Sooner or later, most of us are going to get married. As years go by, we see our friends disappearing from the single social scene and getting onto the marriage wagon. Sometimes, it may also mean the end of friendship due to  different reasons. It may be that we no longer share things in common or our married friends no longer have as much free time as they used to. Marriage at times requires compromise, letting go of our old habits to make sure the union works. Friends may not understand it at first but with time they will eventually accept that you are building a family now and it takes significant effort. The responsibilities grow soon after you have your first baby, making sure the diapers are changed and feeding periodically. You may wake up at night to the sound of the baby crying and have to sing a lullaby to send them to sleep again after changing a diaper or feeding. So before you settle down, what things can you do to ensure your family environment will be ideal and to a certain extent less strenuous? While there is no universal formula to marriage and family life, it is my opinion that the following points may reduce the strain:

Sort your finances first

You don’t have to be rich to settle down and start a family. You do, however, have to be financially stable  to handle marriage life. Take time to secure a good job or start a business to guarantee you financial security. Marriage unlike dating will require you to pay for stuff like rentals, groceries, medical aid among other expenses on a monthly basis. Under normal circumstances, partners usually team up to meet these financial obligations hence the need to ensure that you both have a steady income. If finances are not addressed on the onset, they may be a possibility that your family may lack some things, which, in many cases, is the cause for disputes between spouses. If left untreated, it often creeps into other aspects of your marriage eventually leading to a divorce. So set up your finances and investments to support your new family.

Get to know your partner

We do not always listen to this piece of advice. Many at times, we just meet a person and our heart tells us they are the one. We even add the words “I feel it” and when we tell our friends the sentence becomes “S/he is just the one, I feel it”. Feelings do not lie when you love someone and you are right to feel this way. However, it won’t be so bad to get to know your partner well before you decide to settle. We come from different backgrounds and are raised differently.  Our environments usually shape how we perceive ourselves and those around us. Some of those perceptions are good and some are not so good, needing correction. You can only adjust your perceptions over time as you get more information. Get to experience your significant other’s character when they are high or low. Also get to see how they treat others as this is most likely, how they will treat you (not entirely true but it’s important to observe this aspect). In marriage, love alone is not enough. It’s an ingredient that when mixed with other ingredients makes the union work.

Live your dreams

Marriage is a commitment. You are not ready to commit? Don’t walk down the aisle. As individuals, we all have those dreams that we hold dear and we want to accomplish some day. It may be an educational goal like attain a PhD in Material Physics or go around the world travelling. You may want to party like crazy or go racing in a shiny mustang. Live your dreams first before you settle down. I know there are supermen and superwomen out there who can juggle both their dreams and still have a great family life but these are a select few. Most of the times attempting to live your dreams whilst raising a family usually strains your marriage. For example, as demanding as PhD education is in terms of time and money, you may end up not having enough time to spend with your family and watch your kids grow. The lesson is, if you are not ready to settle then don’t. Do what you need to do first so that you do justice to your family and partner when married.

Research about marriage and family life

Not so long ago, if you had asked me about marriage, I would tell you about the wedding and end there. I never saw past the wedding day and the honeymoon. For me that was marriage. Luckily, I got to adjust my thinking  as time went by.  I researched more on the topic and observed interactions of married couples I know. You have to know that the person you love so much will some days irritate you then some days you will be all over each other and other days it will be just normal. With time, responsibilities increase and if you are not careful, you may forget about each other because the kids are all you think about. It won’t all be rosy, there are ups and downs but once in while you and your partner have to remind yourselves why you picked each other in the first place. Constant reassurance that you are still in love with each other will be required and certain days of the week set for just you two . Take time to find what is required of you as a man or woman in a marriage. If you decide to settle without knowing what your role is, chances are, you are going to be in constant conflict with your spouse as they have expectations you have to meet. 

So before you settle, take time to ponder on the points mentioned. They are not the formula to cement your bond with your spouse but may create a healthy start for your union to flourish.